Snapshots

This morning, the pastor at church was talking about how everybody has a story.   Then he asked us to look at our own story and look at the snapshots of our lives.

I sat there and thought back as far as I could, and moved forward in time looking at who I am.   I found it odd that everything I saw sent some kind of raw pain to my heart, I know my life was a bit difficult, but why wasn't I thinking of anything positive?   I've known people with worse childhoods than mine.  Then...as I sat there, it occurred to me that God was showing me snapshots of how far He has brought me and how different I am now.   Suddenly, I was wrapped in a feeling of gratitude knowing that He is in the process of taking this broken life and healing the hurts.  He showed me that my life is not full of tragedy and defeat, but its full of triumph and victory.

As I think back, I can see how I had become an alcoholic, drug addicted teen.   I was very rebellious and my life was far from having any stability.   Before my mother divorced my step dad, I was stuck in the middle of their drunken terrifying brawls, and my friends and I were always at the receiving end of his sexual advances and he was always exposing himself to us and any other female that happened to be around.  It wasn't long after they divorced that I figured out that his alcoholism could benefit my friends and I.   We would use him to get us drugs and alcohol, and then get him drunk enough to pass out, steal his money and his car and off we went.   We just made sure to have our guy friends with us to protect us from him trying to get us into his bed.  How sick huh?  It makes me cringe just thinking about it all.

I ran away several times, and was kicked out of the house several times starting at the age of 13.  It was also at 13 that I found my first "real love" who tossed me aside 30 minutes after my first experience with sex.
By the time I was 16, I was living with my boyfriend and his mother.   The alcohol and drugs flowed when I lived with them, and was often accompanied by violence and fighting with either him or his mother, or both.  

These things are just a tip of the iceberg of all the craziness I went through for many years.   It should be no surprise that I came face to face with what would become my worse nightmare when I was 22.   I met him at a bar he owned on a Halloween night when I went out for a drink with a friend of mine at work.  He didn't waste any time trying to get to know me and was feeding me drinks for free.   It was several months before he told me he was married, and by that time I was already head over heels in love with the guy.

3 abortions, 2 children and 21 years later, he is still my worse nightmare, but now, I have the power of God in my life.

By the grace of God, I quit drinking and doing drugs.   I remember the day I quit, and even now I'm surprised at how it happened.  I was at the bar (as usual), and I suddenly sat my beer down and walked out.  I never drank again.  I'm fully aware that it doesn't happen like that very often, and by that time my mom had quit drinking (for a while), and I was no stranger to AA, so I'm sure that helped...but I know in my heart that its bigger than that.   God had a plan for me.

I had already had 2 abortions by the time I quit drinking, and soon became pregnant again.   The timing couldn't have been worse.  Just a few days before I found out I was pregnant, his wife filed for divorce and kicked him out.  He had come to stay with me...until of course he found out I was pregnant.  I came home from work and all his stuff was gone and he wanted nothing to do with me.  I stuck it out and remained determined and my beautiful daughter was born.

When she was 3 years old, I got back together with her father.  I quickly got pregnant again, and was terrified he would leave me again.  Nobody even knew our daughter existed until she was 3...except his parents, and I couldn't go through that heart ache again.
Little did I know, the heart ache of a 3rd abortion would be far worse.

We eventually got engaged and bought a house together.  I wanted another baby, so he agreed to have one.  It didn't take me long to get pregnant with my son, and of course it didn't take long before I was a single mother of two kids.

The abortions, the mind games, the manipulation, his verbal and physical abuse, and the cheating....it all eventually took its toll, and I was crushed and broken.

God was the last thing I was interested in....but He didn't see it that way.