Drenched in sin

Facebook is a funny thing.  I find people who knew me in high school or as a young adult, and they are just dumbfounded over the person I am now and cant figure out how this happened.  They remember the drug addicted, drunken crazy person who didn't care about anything or anyone.

People who know me now find it difficult to believe I used to be very different. They just cant imagine me being "that way".  They see me as the woman who hates alcohol with a passion, hates smoking, doesn't do drugs, and studies the Bible, goes to church, and they mistakenly believe that my biggest sin is cussing....and yet, don't consider me the "churchy" type.  I'm not real sure what that means or if that's good or bad.....I just try to be myself, and I don't pretend to be someone I'm not...its that simple.   I'm a jeans and t-shirt kind of girl, and I love my sweats.  I dont have many nice clothes, and I'm very shy until you get to know me.  Unfortunately, first impressions speak loud, and most people find it hard to take me seriously when it comes to being a believer. 

I don't go chasing people down telling them they are sinners and to repent, and I try to never judge anybody.   I'm probably more accepting than some Christians, but I believe that I can be more of a role model if I love and accept someone for who they are at that moment instead of acting like I'm perfect and sinless.  

However, I do feel this need to make a difference in the world.  There are so many hurting women out there who could benefit from my story.  There was a time in my life where I believed that I had no right to go to church and ask God for help, and He knew I believed that, and He finally wrestled me in the door, and I wasn't happy about it at the time..  I know there are women out there who feel the same way...they believe they aren't worthy of church and the love of God.   I know there are women within  the church that struggle, and I know God will reach them, but who is God going to use to capture the women who aren't in the church?   Who is the person that reaches outside the church and talks to women about the difficult stuff that many churches wont hear of.

I don't consider myself to be a "religious" person at all, and I don't live my life in fear of a mean and vengeful God, but instead, my faith comes from this amazing relationship I've developed with Him.   When I think of my past, and my childhood, I can now see Him clearly.   I wouldn't have ever been able to say that a few years back..  It wasn't until I started trying to blog about it, that I could see how events and people in my life shaped who I am and how I think.   I had a therapist tell me once that by all rights, I shouldn't have turned out as good as I did...I of course believed differently, I was in therapy for a reason.  I thought I was crazy.

I've been challenged many times to start blogging.   Its been weighing heavy on my mind for at least a year, but the thing is, I have no idea where to start.  I have never created a blog, so I have no idea how this works.  I'm just going to wing it for now, and let God lead.

I'm not someone with this spectacular story, and I don't have one of those stories where I accepted Christ and moves on into this incredible obedient life.  My story is years in the making, and is still a work in progress.  He has never given up on me....even when everybody else around me did.

They say God gives us all a gift...something we can use for His purpose. What I would give to figure out my place and what His plan is.   Every time I think I might have an idea or feel like I can make a difference somewhere, I'm unable to make it stick.  Is it just me being disobedient and not committed enough?  Or does He just have another idea that's way better than my own?   I'd be lying if I said I don't get discouraged and I don't always feel like my faith is taken seriously.....but at the same time, I'm very excited because I am anticipating His next move.  Its like waiting patiently to see whats inside a beautifully wrapped gift that's just for me.  His work is always nothing less than stunning in the end.

Maybe through blogging and praying about my journey, I'll find my path.   My intention is to seek Him with my whole heart and share the journey (past and present) with whoever happens to read it.   I know I'm not the only one who has led a less than Godly life....and I know I'm not the only one who finds it hard to believe that God could possibly forgive me for the things I've done.