It took me very little time as a mom to realize that my childhood and my teen years should have been very different. I wasn't going to let my kids grow up without something to believe in and I wanted to make sure they had some security....but I had no idea how that worked.
I had these friends at work who were "into that Bible thing" and we decided to start Bible studies at lunch time. I fought it the entire time. One in particular argued with me constantly about going to church. I remember one day getting so frustrated with her and just blurting it out...You don't understand, I've had an abortion. I didn't tell her it was 3, but it struck my heart to the core when she told me she had one too. It was through those girls that I decided my kids would have their security in church...yep, that's where they needed to be.
I set out to find a church that I liked. The very first one I went to, I found myself sitting in the parking lot crying. I just couldn't go in. How could I dare to go into a church with all I've done? I cant even tell you how many times I did this. I will never forget driving down the street one day, and seeing this church on the side of the road with this huge sign that read....abortion is murder. You can only imagine how I felt. This sign kept me out of church for quite a while...Satan used our own church against me as a weapon to keep me away, and he is still doing this to millions of women world wide.
I finally did end up going to a church...I wasn't happy about it, but I figured it was a safe place to take my kids, so we went to this church for a few years and I became interested and fascinated by it, but I never did feel like it applied to me. I kept telling myself I was there for my kids. This is what a good parent does.
One day they had this advertisement for a class called Surrendering The Secret. It was a Bible study for women who have had an abortion. I thought to myself...are they out of their mind? I can't tell anybody in this building what I've done...thanks but..no thanks.
The truth is, I had been suffering and increasingly depressed over it. It came to a point where I had gone from trying to be best at life...to not caring and nearly suicidal. Over time, God had found His way into my heart, and I was devastated over what I'd done. I knew that God had provided for me, and the devastation came from knowing what I did to Him after all He's done for me. I felt like a monster, and I prayed over and over to be forgiven, but I could never feel forgiven. I fully believed wasn't worthy of it I had convinced everybody around me that I'd accepted Christ into my life, now its all better. As far as I was concerned, I was a phony, and I was pretending to be everything I knew I wasn't. If only people knew the truth.
A few months later, they were advertising that class again. I felt that tug on my heart, and I knew God wasn't going to take no for an answer. I was going to end up in that class one way or another. I emailed the woman in charge, and I remember being concerned how many women were in the class, I didn't want to be known as "that girl who had 3 abortions". She emailed me back and told me I wasn't the one with the most....and asked if she could have someone else email me. I got an email later from another woman who had suffered through 4! I was absolutely floored. I don't know if I was more shocked that she was admitting it...or just that she cared enough to tell me so that I wouldn't be scared to sign up for the class. All I can say is thank GOD for that woman. She cared enough to change a strangers life because we had this devastating thing in common and she knew my pain.
The first night of the study came...I had a hard time walking because my legs were shaking so bad. I think there was a group of 6 or 7 and I was surprised. I expected to see a bunch of losers like me, but instead I saw a group of very intelligent and wonderful women who shared the same gripping fear as I had as we all walked in the room for the first time.
It surprised me that I wasn't the only one in the group with multiple abortions and I discovered that its sadly very common. More than 40 % of women have experience abortion, and a very large percentage of these women have had more than one. I was also surprised about how many had abortions because they were with a married man. Can you imagine? I'd have never dreamed it was that common. I even took the study twice because I wanted to make sure I soaked up every drop of it.
This class changed my life in a way that's indescribable. I'm not blogging this to sell Surrendering The Secret, I do know there's other classes out there, but I love this particular one because it changed me from the inside out. It was in those studies that I could actually see God at work. It was an awesome thing to see the changes in these women over an 8 week period. My faith soared.
My purpose of blogging this is because I hope I can reach at least one post abortive woman and let her know, she is far from alone. The shame is shared by millions, and there is healing out there. God wants His girls free and I want to let the world know it.
I'm also still very much involved with my journey, and I've found this blogging thing seems to open my eyes up to things I didn't see before. Its a bit like writing a journal. Just in the few days I've been doing this, I've learned so much about myself even though I took these studies a few years back. God is always opening my heart to new things.
My blogging will continue...this journey is far from over. He is just getting started with me.
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