Knowing peace

Its the day after Christmas.  What a wonderful Christmas it was.
I spent the weekend going to church and hanging out with family.  This morning, I have to work while my family sleeps in, and the house is very quiet, and my work phone has rang once over the last few hours.  Its going to be a nice quiet day.
I have a feeling of peace this morning, and once again, I'm in awe over the blessings I have in my life.  I love these moments where its quiet and I can reflect on where God has led me and what He's provided.

He was born a precious little baby...lived a precious sinless life...and yet He was the one nailed to the cross when it should have been me.  He didn't live the rich life of a high priest, a pharisee or a king, but yet He is the only way to the Father, and He is the King of Kings, and the Lord of Lords.

I still feel so humbled by his blessings knowing full well I have led such a sinful life.  How amazing is it that He allows me to feel peace regardless of what I've done and whats going on currently in my life.  I still know that one way or another He will work it out and something good will come of it, and it eases anxiety knowing He's in control.

I always have this feeling of wanting to "pay it forward", and half the time I have no idea what to do.  There are so many people I wish I could just reach out to, and most of them wont listen.

Ephesians 2:10 says:  For we are Gods handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.

I want to do His good works, so why don't I even know where to begin?   Why do I feel stalled and insignificant to make a difference for Him?   He reached out and changed me inside and out, and I'd give anything to be able to be a vessel to do that for someone else.  I want people to have what I have...and whats funny is that I used to hear people say those same words, and I'd just roll my eyes.

I know people who have so much heart ache in their lives, and so much drama....and I know others who have it made, and yet seem so ungrateful and unhappy with everything.   They say they believe in God, but I always said that too. The difference is knowing who you are in Him, and knowing what He's already done for you...and as harsh as it can be, sometimes this can only happen when you come face to face with Him and your past and being put in a place where you have no other option but to sit at the foot of the cross and give it all up.  Sometimes answered prayers aren't always easy to receive, and you have to be emotionally naked to receive His healing because you won't listen any other way.

Facing your demons is never easy, and its not something you do just once in your life.  God never promised us an easy life, but He did promise it would be worth it.

Satan is still the accuser....he isn't going anywhere.

I woke up this morning in a horrible mood.   I'm having problems with my son, and its taking its toll mentally.
I find myself wondering what I could have done differently and how did I screw things up so bad?
Guilt and sadness was weighing me down this morning.

The messages in my mind were non stop....What a bad mom you are.  Is this the way you teach your child how to act? How could you not see what was going to happen?  Do you not know how to discipline? Can't you control your own child?  This is what you get!  My son hates me.  You screwed up your own life, why not screw his up too?

The enemy was on the attack this morning, and he wasn't letting up.   If I'm honest about it, I can say he's been attacking my family for the last several weeks.

Even after all I've learned, I still find myself under attack and sometimes I don't even realize it.  He still works on conquering any confidence I have in myself.   I still find that he makes me afraid and makes me question anything I've learned.  There are days I even question my own commitment to God, and I have days where I just beat myself up like I did this morning.

One of my friends always says "He is not creative in his attacks, but he is very effective"   She is so right.
He makes you feel ridiculous, he mocks you, belittles you, makes you feel ignorant, and even makes you question the very word of God.   There has been times where I've had myself convinced I'm just one of those people who don't fit into the church scene.


John 8:44  "He was a murderer from the beginning, and does not stand in the truth, because there is no truth in him.  When he speaks a lie, he speaks from his own resources, for he is a liar and the father of it.


Recognizing the accuser is a challenge for me even to this day.   He is relentless and doesn't give up.
The more you walk in Christ, the more he attacks.   I have no idea where I read this statement, but I have always remembered it.  "The accuser is grieved when you seek to rebuild your life in Christ."

I think its time for some serious prayer and surrendering it all to Him. I've been so ready to just give in to my recent circumstances, and be done with it.  I've been so tired and worn down and was feeling defeated already.  Perhaps this blogging thing is good for me.  God speaks .. I just have to learn to listen, and keep trusting His word.

There is a purpose for every soul He creates...

He knows me, He knows everything about me.   All the days ordained for me was written in His book.
This Psalm isn't just about God creating an unborn child...its about me too.  He knows my Heart.

Psalms 139:13-16 says:
For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mothers womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well
My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place,
when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
Your eyes saw my unformed body;
all the days ordained for me were written in your book
before one of them came to be.

A rude awakening...but an awakening it was.

For years, I tried to be the best at everything I did.  I was the soccer mom, the basketball mom, the tae kwon do mom, the volleyball mom....I did everything I could to prove to the world and myself that I was worthy of having two gorgeous healthy kids.  I tried hard to keep them from a chaotic life, but in the end, I still had their dad to deal with, I still had me to deal with, I still made bad decisions, and I couldn't pull it off.   No matter how hard I tried, being the perfect mom was out of reach.

It took me very little time as a mom to realize that my childhood and my teen years should have been very different.   I wasn't going to let my kids grow up without something to believe in and I wanted to make sure they had some security....but I had no idea how that worked.

I had these friends at work who were "into that Bible thing" and we decided to start Bible studies at lunch time.  I fought it the entire time.  One in particular argued with me constantly about going to church. I remember one day getting so frustrated with her and just blurting it out...You don't understand, I've had an abortion.  I didn't tell her it was 3, but it struck my heart to the core when she told me she had one too. It was through those girls that I decided my kids would have their security in church...yep, that's where they needed to be.

I set out to find a church that I liked.  The very first one I went to, I found myself sitting in the parking lot crying.  I just couldn't go in.  How could I dare to go into a church with all I've done?  I cant even tell you how many times I did this.  I will never forget driving down the street one day, and seeing this church on the side of the road with this huge sign that read....abortion is murder.   You can only imagine how I felt.  This sign kept me out of church for quite a while...Satan used our own church against me as a weapon to keep me away, and he is still doing this to millions of women world wide.

I finally did end up going to a church...I wasn't happy about it, but I figured it was a safe place to take my kids, so we went to this church for a few years and I became interested and fascinated by it, but I never did feel like it applied to me.  I kept telling myself I was there for my kids.  This is what a good parent does.

One day they had this advertisement for a class called Surrendering The Secret.  It was a Bible study for women who have had an abortion.  I thought to myself...are they out of their mind?   I can't tell anybody in this building what I've done...thanks but..no thanks.

The truth is, I had been suffering and increasingly depressed over it.  It came to a point where I had gone from trying to be best at life...to not caring and nearly suicidal. Over time, God had found His way into my heart, and I was devastated over what I'd done.  I knew that God had provided for me, and the devastation came from knowing what I did to Him after all He's done for me.  I felt like a monster, and I prayed over and over to be forgiven, but I could never feel forgiven. I fully believed wasn't worthy of it  I had convinced everybody around me that  I'd accepted Christ into my life, now its all better.  As far as I was concerned, I was a phony, and I was pretending to be everything I knew I wasn't.  If only people knew the truth.

A few months later, they were advertising that class again.  I felt that tug on my heart, and I knew God wasn't going to take no for an answer. I was going to end up in that class one way or another.  I emailed the woman in charge, and I remember being concerned how many women were in the class, I didn't want to be known as "that girl who had 3 abortions".  She emailed me back and told me I wasn't the one with the most....and asked if she could have someone else email me.  I got an email later from another woman who had suffered through 4!  I was absolutely floored.  I don't know if I was more shocked that she was admitting it...or just that she cared enough to tell me so that I wouldn't be scared to sign up for the class.  All I can say is thank GOD for that woman.  She cared enough to change a strangers life because we had this devastating thing in common and she knew my pain.

The first night of the study came...I had a hard time walking because my legs were shaking so bad.  I think there was a group of 6 or 7 and I was surprised.   I expected to see a bunch of losers like me, but instead I saw a group of very intelligent and wonderful women who shared the same gripping fear as I had as we all walked in the room for the first time.

It surprised me that I wasn't the only one in the group with multiple abortions and I discovered that its sadly very common.  More than 40 % of women have experience abortion, and a very large percentage of these women have had more than one. I was also surprised about how many had abortions because they were with a married man.  Can you imagine?  I'd have never dreamed it was that common.   I even took the study twice because I wanted to make sure I soaked up every drop of it.

This class changed my life in a way that's indescribable.   I'm not blogging this to sell Surrendering The Secret,  I do know there's other classes out there, but I love this particular one because it changed me from the inside out.   It was in those studies that I could actually see God at work.  It was an awesome thing to see the changes in these women over an 8 week period.  My faith soared.

My purpose of blogging this is because I hope I can reach at least one post abortive woman and let her know, she is far from alone.  The shame is shared by millions, and there is healing out there.   God wants His girls free and I want to let the world know it.

I'm also still very much involved with my journey, and I've found this blogging thing seems to open my eyes up to things I didn't see before.  Its a bit like writing a journal.  Just in the few days I've been doing this, I've learned so much about myself even though I took these studies a few years back.   God is always opening my heart to new things.

My blogging will continue...this journey is far from over.  He is just getting started with me.

Snapshots

This morning, the pastor at church was talking about how everybody has a story.   Then he asked us to look at our own story and look at the snapshots of our lives.

I sat there and thought back as far as I could, and moved forward in time looking at who I am.   I found it odd that everything I saw sent some kind of raw pain to my heart, I know my life was a bit difficult, but why wasn't I thinking of anything positive?   I've known people with worse childhoods than mine.  Then...as I sat there, it occurred to me that God was showing me snapshots of how far He has brought me and how different I am now.   Suddenly, I was wrapped in a feeling of gratitude knowing that He is in the process of taking this broken life and healing the hurts.  He showed me that my life is not full of tragedy and defeat, but its full of triumph and victory.

As I think back, I can see how I had become an alcoholic, drug addicted teen.   I was very rebellious and my life was far from having any stability.   Before my mother divorced my step dad, I was stuck in the middle of their drunken terrifying brawls, and my friends and I were always at the receiving end of his sexual advances and he was always exposing himself to us and any other female that happened to be around.  It wasn't long after they divorced that I figured out that his alcoholism could benefit my friends and I.   We would use him to get us drugs and alcohol, and then get him drunk enough to pass out, steal his money and his car and off we went.   We just made sure to have our guy friends with us to protect us from him trying to get us into his bed.  How sick huh?  It makes me cringe just thinking about it all.

I ran away several times, and was kicked out of the house several times starting at the age of 13.  It was also at 13 that I found my first "real love" who tossed me aside 30 minutes after my first experience with sex.
By the time I was 16, I was living with my boyfriend and his mother.   The alcohol and drugs flowed when I lived with them, and was often accompanied by violence and fighting with either him or his mother, or both.  

These things are just a tip of the iceberg of all the craziness I went through for many years.   It should be no surprise that I came face to face with what would become my worse nightmare when I was 22.   I met him at a bar he owned on a Halloween night when I went out for a drink with a friend of mine at work.  He didn't waste any time trying to get to know me and was feeding me drinks for free.   It was several months before he told me he was married, and by that time I was already head over heels in love with the guy.

3 abortions, 2 children and 21 years later, he is still my worse nightmare, but now, I have the power of God in my life.

By the grace of God, I quit drinking and doing drugs.   I remember the day I quit, and even now I'm surprised at how it happened.  I was at the bar (as usual), and I suddenly sat my beer down and walked out.  I never drank again.  I'm fully aware that it doesn't happen like that very often, and by that time my mom had quit drinking (for a while), and I was no stranger to AA, so I'm sure that helped...but I know in my heart that its bigger than that.   God had a plan for me.

I had already had 2 abortions by the time I quit drinking, and soon became pregnant again.   The timing couldn't have been worse.  Just a few days before I found out I was pregnant, his wife filed for divorce and kicked him out.  He had come to stay with me...until of course he found out I was pregnant.  I came home from work and all his stuff was gone and he wanted nothing to do with me.  I stuck it out and remained determined and my beautiful daughter was born.

When she was 3 years old, I got back together with her father.  I quickly got pregnant again, and was terrified he would leave me again.  Nobody even knew our daughter existed until she was 3...except his parents, and I couldn't go through that heart ache again.
Little did I know, the heart ache of a 3rd abortion would be far worse.

We eventually got engaged and bought a house together.  I wanted another baby, so he agreed to have one.  It didn't take me long to get pregnant with my son, and of course it didn't take long before I was a single mother of two kids.

The abortions, the mind games, the manipulation, his verbal and physical abuse, and the cheating....it all eventually took its toll, and I was crushed and broken.

God was the last thing I was interested in....but He didn't see it that way.

This is way bigger than me...where do I start?

I started my story in another post that I haven't published yet, and and as I was typing away, the memories started flowing.   I then realized that I honestly don't even know how to start this because its way bigger than me.  It never occurred to me that I would learn something amazing about my life.

I quickly realized its not necessary to put my life story in detail to make a point, but as I was typing, I also realized that I was wrong about not having a story that amazes me.  It may not be movie material, but it was an incredible experience for me to go back and read it.  It never occurred to me that my own life is a bit of a surprise.  I never thought it was that big of a deal.

God opened my eyes today as I was recalling my childhood and teen years and up into my twenties.   I was blown away by it.   From the very beginning, my life was full of abuse, drugs, alcohol, and all kinds of sin and I could care less at the time.  Who am I that God would choose to take rotten ol' me by the hand and show me who He is?   ME...the meaningless, unlovable monster I just knew that I was.  And...why wasn't I paying attention to what He was doing.  Why didn't I recognize it?

It seems my little blogging project will be more than I'd bargained for, and I cant wait to get it all out there.

The more I think about it, the more my heart fills with gratitude.   Without Him, I had no chance of surviving.
I'll be on my knees giving thanks tonight...in a whole new way.    

Drenched in sin

Facebook is a funny thing.  I find people who knew me in high school or as a young adult, and they are just dumbfounded over the person I am now and cant figure out how this happened.  They remember the drug addicted, drunken crazy person who didn't care about anything or anyone.

People who know me now find it difficult to believe I used to be very different. They just cant imagine me being "that way".  They see me as the woman who hates alcohol with a passion, hates smoking, doesn't do drugs, and studies the Bible, goes to church, and they mistakenly believe that my biggest sin is cussing....and yet, don't consider me the "churchy" type.  I'm not real sure what that means or if that's good or bad.....I just try to be myself, and I don't pretend to be someone I'm not...its that simple.   I'm a jeans and t-shirt kind of girl, and I love my sweats.  I dont have many nice clothes, and I'm very shy until you get to know me.  Unfortunately, first impressions speak loud, and most people find it hard to take me seriously when it comes to being a believer. 

I don't go chasing people down telling them they are sinners and to repent, and I try to never judge anybody.   I'm probably more accepting than some Christians, but I believe that I can be more of a role model if I love and accept someone for who they are at that moment instead of acting like I'm perfect and sinless.  

However, I do feel this need to make a difference in the world.  There are so many hurting women out there who could benefit from my story.  There was a time in my life where I believed that I had no right to go to church and ask God for help, and He knew I believed that, and He finally wrestled me in the door, and I wasn't happy about it at the time..  I know there are women out there who feel the same way...they believe they aren't worthy of church and the love of God.   I know there are women within  the church that struggle, and I know God will reach them, but who is God going to use to capture the women who aren't in the church?   Who is the person that reaches outside the church and talks to women about the difficult stuff that many churches wont hear of.

I don't consider myself to be a "religious" person at all, and I don't live my life in fear of a mean and vengeful God, but instead, my faith comes from this amazing relationship I've developed with Him.   When I think of my past, and my childhood, I can now see Him clearly.   I wouldn't have ever been able to say that a few years back..  It wasn't until I started trying to blog about it, that I could see how events and people in my life shaped who I am and how I think.   I had a therapist tell me once that by all rights, I shouldn't have turned out as good as I did...I of course believed differently, I was in therapy for a reason.  I thought I was crazy.

I've been challenged many times to start blogging.   Its been weighing heavy on my mind for at least a year, but the thing is, I have no idea where to start.  I have never created a blog, so I have no idea how this works.  I'm just going to wing it for now, and let God lead.

I'm not someone with this spectacular story, and I don't have one of those stories where I accepted Christ and moves on into this incredible obedient life.  My story is years in the making, and is still a work in progress.  He has never given up on me....even when everybody else around me did.

They say God gives us all a gift...something we can use for His purpose. What I would give to figure out my place and what His plan is.   Every time I think I might have an idea or feel like I can make a difference somewhere, I'm unable to make it stick.  Is it just me being disobedient and not committed enough?  Or does He just have another idea that's way better than my own?   I'd be lying if I said I don't get discouraged and I don't always feel like my faith is taken seriously.....but at the same time, I'm very excited because I am anticipating His next move.  Its like waiting patiently to see whats inside a beautifully wrapped gift that's just for me.  His work is always nothing less than stunning in the end.

Maybe through blogging and praying about my journey, I'll find my path.   My intention is to seek Him with my whole heart and share the journey (past and present) with whoever happens to read it.   I know I'm not the only one who has led a less than Godly life....and I know I'm not the only one who finds it hard to believe that God could possibly forgive me for the things I've done.